Why
by Azul Archer
Summary: What's it like inside Gilbert's mind?


"Oh yeah, he's the most eccentric guy you'll ever meet. It gets kind of overwhelming, you know?"

"Gilbert? That guy is definitely a party animal, no questions asked."

"I'm not sure. He's fun to be around, I guess."

"That guy has so much energy; just looking at him tires me out."

"Gil, man is that guy always happy. Nothing upsets him."

Gilbert laid splayed across the couch, boredom clouding his mind. It was nearly noon, and he had done nothing that day, His body ached to do some type of activity but sadly, his drivers' license was suspended, so he was stuck on the couch with nothing of interest playing on T.V.

"Weeeest," Gilbert whined, hanging of the edge of the couch. "Let's go somewhere."

'West' looked to his older brother in annoyance, the light from his desk lamp showing his tired eyes. "No, Brother. I haven't had the time to finish my remaining work. I need to catch up." He gave a hard glare, hoping that would serve as a sign telling Gilbert to leave him alone, but to his dismay, it only spurred on his antics.

"C'mon, Ludwig. I'm so bored, I need something to do."

Ludwig sighed, rubbing at his head to try and clear his mind. "How about you go tend the garden?"

Gilbert scoffed, sitting upright on the couch. "I want something _fun_ ; not a chore." Ludwig leaned back in his chair, a long sigh passing through his lips.

"How about you watch some sitcoms?"

"Nothing interesting is on."

"Call your friends."

Gilbert looked to the side, a small thorn of melancholy picking at him. The last thing he wanted to do was be social. "Not an option."

Ludwig sighed for the second time, growing annoyed each time Gilbert shot down his suggestions. "I don't know. I don't care what you do as long as it doesn't interfere with my work." With that final statement, he looked back to the stack of papers and continued working, effectively shutting down the conversation.

Gilbert continued looking to Ludwig, a faraway look in his eyes. He finally got up and headed to the kitchen to pull out a can of beer, before making his way to his bedroom upstairs. Before climbing, he looked back to his younger sibling, still making random marks on his papers.

"Sorry if I had annoyed you." He only received a grunt of acknowledgement before trudging back up the stairs.

Gilbert closed the door to his bedroom, being careful not to slam and worry Ludwig.

 _He probably wouldn't care, anyways._ He thought bitterly to himself, taking a sip from his beer. _Just glad that I'm finally out of his hair._

Gilbert paced around the room, drinking from the can and, once finished, throwing it into the trash bin at the corner of the room. It missed and hit the wall with a thud before bouncing and landing onto the floor.

This one mistake caused an onslaught of thoughts.

 _How could I miss that? It was a simple throw._

 _You're just bad at everything. Admit it._

 _Why can't you just be good at something?_

 _Just a burden._

 _Not good for anything._

 _Making messes everywhere you go._

 _Life would surely be much better if you would've just been a stillborn._

Gilbert slowly walked to the spot where the can was laying and picked it up. He held it in his hand for a long time, staring at the wrinkled label. With a sigh, he finally dropped it into the trashcan, somberly walking to his bed before laying down, staring at the wall.

He stared at the white of his wall, no posters or decorations framing it. Not even the Prussian flag, a country which he loved and held dearly to his heart. This was his "thinking wall".

"I have to stop feeling bad for myself," he sighed to himself, slowly closing his eyes. "I have such a great life: a loving brother-," he cringed at saying that, his eyes tightening. "-a pleasant home to live in, healthy food to eat. Yeah, why am I even so sad?'

Gilbert opened his eyes, staring at the blank wall. Downstairs, he heard Ludwig talking on the phone.

"-n't know if I can. I'll have to check my schedule, but I'll mostly likely be able to attend. Thank you, Feliciano."

 _Why not me?_ Gilbert thought bitterly to himself, tightening his fists and closing his eyes. _Why doesn't my own brother want to hang out with me? What does Feliciano have that I don't? I'm his brother for fuck's sake!_

He stood up and headed to the bathroom connected to his room, locking on the door and sitting on the toilet lid, holding his head in his hands.

 _I've known him all his life. Why don't I hold a higher place in his heart? How come some random guy he meets at one of his dumb meetings suddenly make him more important than me? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?_

Gilbert gripped his hair out of frustration, finally slamming his fist against the countertop, creating a bruise against his knuckles.

"Brother?" Ludwig's voice called out, knocking a few times on the door. Gilbert shot his head up, flushing the toilet and running the sink water to give the impression he had just finished using the bathroom. He unlocked and opened the door, offering a huge smile.

"Yes, West?" _He wants to hang out! I didn't annoy him! Maybe I'll get to tag along with him and Feli to wherever they go._ Those thoughts made his smile wider, the very thought of hanging out with the two of them perking up his previous sadness.

Ludwig looked off to the side, embarrassment shown on his features. "Yes, I just wanted to let you know that Feliciano and I will be heading off to a café nearby. We'll be back in a few hours."

Gilbert tightened his hand around the doorknob, glad his brother couldn't see.

 _Why am I such an idiot?!_ He thought bitterly to himself. _Of course I can't come. I'll just be an embarrassment; a distraction. How in the hell could I have possibly thought I could tag along? I'd just be a burden to them. They wouldn't want a depressing person like me to ruin their fun. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

"Have fun, West! Don't forget to wear a condom," Gilbert wiggled his eyebrows, laughing when Ludwig punched his arm.

"Don't burn down my house," Ludwig responded, a slight smile tugging at his lips. He left the room, Gilbert hearing the front door close before falling to the floor on his hands and knees.

"I'm not a reliable person. My own brother doesn't trust me. Why can't I be more likable? Or trustworthy? I'm not a bad person, am I?" Thoughts raked his mind as he sat in a fetal position in the doorway of his bathroom. His breathing grew ragged as his dark thoughts continued plaguing him, leaving him a withering mess on the floor.

"Gilbert is a great guy. Trust me on that."

"He's so fun, I'd definitely put him down as one of my best friends, practically family."

"Give him a beer and you'll never want to leave his side."

"I love that guy, anybody who would want to hurt him would have to answer to me."

"Sure my brother can be aggravating, but he has good intentions. I love him and nothing will change that."

 **I'm sorry if this was depressing, or not as emotional as I hoped it'd be. I had a random spurt of sadness when being made fun of for laughing at a moment in a show I liked. These moments aren't uncommon for me, so I attempted to write how I felt for one of the people who I feel is the most depressed: Prussia. It doesn't help I was listening to the orchestrated version of Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley while writing this. Long story short, this story is sad.**


End file.
